This is my first blog. Prior to this I have had a couple of websites. The first: RabidWeasels.com was a rampant, skunk-fuelled, section-baiting, psuedo anarchic load of rubbish that featured 'disturbing' images of George Lucas wielding a lightsaber and George Bush firing automatic weapons into crowds of baying civilians. Basically Nathan Barley without the irony. I'm not really ashamed. I blame the drugs. And my own stupid sense of humour. For example; one of the sections of the site was entitled 'what NOT to do if you bump into an ex girlfriend in tescos and you're really stoned.' this was politically incisive stuff. Having kicked the weed habit, and literally worn out my Alan Partridge series two DVD - I made Passenger Pigeons; a site where I published my own short stories and nobody read them. Running a website is great. You literally have to do fuck all and you get to call yourself a WEB MASTER. It's a bit like people who start up their own 'businesses' and get cards printed with CEO under their name like they're suddenly Donald Trump and deserve impromptu blowjobs just for walking into a room.

It's the same 'I'm a superstar' mentality that people get when they start a band. Everyone is in a band. My cat has started a band. They're called 'The Pets' and their first single 'Even a fucking kitten is in a band nowadays' is being released on Really Bloody Fringe Recordings in December 2012, timed to coincide with the Mayan predicted end of the world. (Gotta get that doomed survivor dollar.) So anyway I think I am going to start writing this blog as a sort of thought diary. Egomaniacal and utterly deluded this may be, but I am doing it anyway. If you have read this far then you are both charitable, kind, and insane. The three characteristics I look for when grooming cult member sex slaves.

DAY ONE

I call this day one because yesterday I was born again unto Christ. Only joking. I don't follow middle eastern death cults. I have a rational brain that understands how people are controlled by ideology and parable - not a superstitious mind that cowers to the fear-mongering of pedos and hook-handed nutheads. Provide any kind of proof for the existence of your deity and I will change my mind. Nothing? Not even a blurry youtube video? Ok - sorry then. No Can Pray. I suppose I am an agnostic. Which some say is the metaphysical equivalent of reading the carphone warehouse catalogue really carefully but never actually taking out a mobile phone contract. But I say it's just common sense. Atheists annoy me because they're just as bad as religious folk at demanding you agree with them. 'There is no God.' they chant, angrily. Well to be fair, there might be. You cannot categorically disprove the existence of God but then you can't prove it either. Ergo; agnosticism.

But religion is weird. Imagine carphone warehouse is religion (bear with me): 'I was thinking about buying an iphone' 'great, they really are the best' 'can i have a look at one?' 'no, that's not possible' ' why not?' 'well, because proof denies faith and all that' 'so what you're saying is - I can't have an iphone because that would ruin the whole iphone selling business?' 'basically, yes' Ahhhh there really is nothing like a convoluted metaphor to get one's point across. Go ahead, ask the authors of the bible - they were brilliant at that. The lesson being if you want to argue anything, just write down scripture advocating AND reproaching everything anyone can possibly do. Then you have the 'Tops pizza' menu of comebacks.

'An eye for an eye' and 'Do unto Others', for example - they come from the same book. Which makes sense considering it was written and rewritten by a bunch of mentals over the period of several centuries. Although thinking about it if you believed that 'doing unto others' in order to get the same treatment yourself was true, then if you took someone's eye out with a ruler - that person could then do the same to you using the 'an eye for an eye' adage which would prove both your points. Leaving you an eye short but on the same wavelength at least. The truth is - there is no truth. Even science is just opinion. Scientific journals exist to refute old theories. New Scientist magazine has a new rebuttal every week. 'Why we were wrong to believe the world is not flat.' or 'The massive marshmallow that is five times as big as the universe.' I don't understand why people need staunch beliefs anyway. I'm perfectly happy without them. Jesus preached tolerance did he? Well how about not preaching in the first place. 'Tolerate that Christy!'

Next week : 'Mark Ronson, you will go on my first whistle. Afghan Death Squad, you will go on my second whistle.' The rise and rise of I'm a Celebrity Gladiator Concentration Camp Inmate - Get Me THE FUCK OUT OF HERE .